Last Friday, 12th December, mam drove me to Ysbyty Glan Clwyd for my cardio referral. The appointment was for 3.30pm; and we left at 2pm to account for parking and have a cuppa before being seen. Ever since the Betsi Cadwaldr University Health Board closed down many Cottage hospitals a few years ago, patients have been admitted to YGC and thus, parking has become a big problem due to visiting hours. Luckily, after failing at the first car park, we managed to park in the second on the right of the entrance. Presently, the hospital is undergoing a refit and therefore, the main entrance is temporarily out of use; and we had to use the cardio entrance. Making our way to the cafe was a bit of a maze but we cracked it (turn left at the Christmas tree). Walking I found tiring and kept close to the walls in case I lost balance and went down.
After having our drinks, mam and I made our way to the cardio department, where I had last been to back in 2010 for a check up. We had only been sat down 5 minutes by time I was called through to be weighed and give my personal details. The nurse asked if I had family with me and so I called mam through; and we went and sat in the doctors waiting area. This I found odd. I was expecting to have a MRI and Angiogram as recommended by the cardio doctor at the Countess of Chester hospital back in October(7th), following my Echocardiogram (scan of heart). The doctor did not seem to understand exactly as to why I was being seen by him. For some reason, he thought I was being seen to check that I have not had a stroke. I had to do certain tests such as place index finger on his and then touch my nose and reflexes checked. I was only in with him 10 minutes before it was over. I am still none the wiser as to whether I am to have the scans or not!
I have spent the last week in no mans land as far as knowing anything. My fit note was up on Monday 15th, I have spent part of the week in bed because of pain and exhaustion. I made an appointment with my GP Dr Shaheir yesterday afternoon; who has signed me off now until 1st January 2015. She was going to give me another month off but, I felt that was too long and that I would rather see how I am in 2 weeks time. I did ask her about the appointment last Friday, and it would seem that it was just a referral, and it is upto the doctor at YGC as to whether I ahve the MRI and Angiogram. If I am not, and I am thinking that I won’t now; then the Gender Clinic at Charing Cross hospital in London need to be told so that I can have my GRS. I have wondered whether I have developed Fibromyalgia (costochondritis being a recognised symptom). Dr Shaheir told me that they’d need to rule out issues with the heart before diagnosing anything else. I have read all the related conditions and I feel that I have quite a number of them – feeling light-headed, up & down weight loss, depression, panic attacks, etc, etc. I could be wrong and I hope that I am.
On Tuesday, 16th December, I had an appointment at work with an Occupational Health advisor again. As she was someone else, I gave her some background history on my illness, before answering questions relating to my health since November. I was in with her for 40 – 50 minutes. I explained how I was exhausted doing the washing up and walking upstairs at home. That I found it difficult to even walk half way up one aisle at Lidl supermarket, and that I had to go and sit back in the car and wait for mam to grab a few things. The last few days I have been worn out and clutching for breaths. And yesterday, I received a letter in the post to attend a meeting at work with the Personnel Manager to discuss the outcome of the occupation health report. I rang up work to rearrange the appointment; which was now at my home this morning. I was not in any fit state to drive and mam had gone to Chester. It was all over after 10 minutes. Apparently, because I have built up X amount of holiday entitlement, which I have obviously not taken due to being off work ill; they have allocated me the whole of January off. Unless of course I hand in another Fit Note. AT this stage, I may well yet do. However, I do hope my condition improves enough to enable my return to work; albeit on lighter duties.
At the start of this 4 month long haul of illness, it felt kind of nice to have a break from work. I was beginning to feel out of place at ASDA, Queensferry despite having made many good acquaintances. I would say friends but, I do not see them away from the place. However, as the time has passed, I have become quite depressed to the point of suicidal thoughts (symptom of Fibro too). As each month has passed through, I thought I was fit and able to return to work. In fact, I tried a few times and each one of those, I was sent home because I could not cope working on the checkout and fast lane areas. When at home, I am just either sitting or lying down coping with pain throughout my body. Currently, I have pain in my wrists and ankles, throughout my back and sternum at times, sensation of light-headedness and vertigo along with myself grasping for air when I am not even exerting myself. Hardly surprising that I am depressed more so than I normally get; especially as I live on my own. I am so had it with being in pain. Last thing that I want is to be here at night when I go to bed …. alone. 12th December was also the 14th year since my divorce in 2000. Thankfully, this does no longer affect me emotionally. I only wish I could find someone to love. I just can not ever see this happening for me again. So, before I begin to dwell, I shall leave this post here.
(( Cwtsh ))
xx Cerys xx