(Picture: Pamela Davis Kivelson)
At the moment, all I can think about, is how better off I would be if I was no longer treading this mortal coil. This is a state of mind that I have difficulty in erasing from my thoughts for as long as I can pretty much remember. I do not want to think like this but i can not help myself. My life has been rubbish in childhood and adulthood. The only true good times that I have experienced have been with my close family. Out of 41 years treading this planet’s crust; I would estimate a total of 5 years of good times. That is pretty down depressing is it not?
I fought my Gender Dysphoria for so long, that once I finally transitioned, I stupidly believed that my life would improve for the better. After 4 years of living my true life; there has not been a vast improvement. Yes, I am 100% convinced that i have done the right thing for me in transitioning from male to female. After all, I could no longer continue living what i felt to be a lie. i was going complete schizo! I was thumping myself everywhere and anywhere on my person just to knock the GID out of me. If I was not hitting myself, I was head butting doors and walls, screaming, crying, over eating and then making myself vomit by jamming two fingers down the back of my throat, until what I had eaten came back up out of my body. A the time I was 5ft 4 1/4 ins and 9 st 2Ibs, and believed I was well over weight.Sounds crazy to everyone else but not to me. My ex-wife would comment how she hated cwtching up to me because my hip bones would stick in to her. That comment did not even register in my head.
Since transitioning and being on hrt, I have shrunk in height to 5ft 3 ins, foot size down from a 7 to a 6 but, I have gained weight which I am so not happy with. With me, I found that taking female hormones made me feel hungry all of the time. I was snacking in between regular meals and my I put on the pounds with ease. I rose to a just under 11 stones! I was utterly shocked. It took 18 months for my body to settle in to the intake of estrogen before I could start to lose the weight and I now fluctuate between 10st 2Ibs and 10st 7Ibs. I am still not content with my weight nor my overall appearance and it is pretty depressing and I do not know what to do.
But why is my mood down? I am alone and feel lonely. A simple fact – I have far more acquaintances in my life than I have actual friends.
Reading online friends status’ recently has made me feel melancholic. They have written status’ like: had a great night out with …. , enjoyed a good evening with …
Here I am, eager to be out and about and make new friends to hook up to go out wherever and do whatever; shopping, coffee, cinema, girlie chats and that. None of these activities are a part of my social life. In fact; I do not have a social life, not really. I go to monthly meet-ups with groups such as Encompass and Rustic Rainbow, but these are once a month. I can not seem to attract anyone to spend time in my company. This upsets me no end. I have made a few friends from the meet-ups but distance makes it hard to spend time with. It is not like I do not want to be out and about socializing, quite the opposite. I have had a belly full of being single and alone in my own company.
Today, Saturday 20th April 2013, has been a lovely day with a moderate temperature of 16 °C and what have I done to while away this sunny day? Stayed indoors and done pretty much frack all. I could not see the point of wasting petrol by driving to Brychdyn, Yr Wyddgrug, Wrecsam, Llandudno or wherever when I have not enough money to buy anything because I am currently unemployed. I tried to give my mam £20 for 3 tees I got from New Look at weekend gone but she would not take it from me. Thank you mam for the generosity yet again. I love my mam to the ends of the earth and back. I am fed up of going everywhere on my own but, if I do not, I won’t go anywhere. I need a change of scenery, a holiday away from here but, what is the point of going away by oneself when one is by oneself all the time? So wha do I do? I stay at home and a vicious circle ensues.
I want to find love and happiness. If they are out there, they are hardly likely (well, not at all), come a knocking on my door and sweeping me up off my feet. I am trying to find love by placing myself on online dating sites. Have I had any luck? Simple answer is NO and not for the lack of trying and various sites. Those that have asked to chat with me and whom I have accepted their chat requests, are only interested in having BDSM sex, a threesome, men. I have said it to myself throughout my life, that I will spend the rest of my life on this planet, which is revolving around our sun at a speed of 67, 000 miles per hour, alone and with an empty heart. That is despite being told time and time again that there is someone out there for me and that there is someone for everyone. If this is true, where is she?
Anyways, I am going to leave this blog here before I shed non-ending tears.