Monthly Archives: April 2013

Melancholy

melancholy

(Picture: Pamela Davis Kivelson)

At the moment, all I can think about, is how better off I would be if I was no longer treading this mortal coil. This is a state of mind that I have difficulty in erasing from my thoughts for as long as I can pretty much remember. I do not want to think like this but i can not help myself. My life has been rubbish in childhood and adulthood. The only true good times that I have experienced have been with my close family. Out of 41 years treading this planet’s crust; I would estimate a total of 5 years of good times. That is pretty down depressing is it not?

I fought my Gender Dysphoria for so long, that once I finally transitioned, I stupidly believed that my life would improve for the better. After 4 years of living my true life; there has not been a vast improvement. Yes, I am 100% convinced that i have done the right thing for me in transitioning from male to female. After all, I could no longer continue living what i felt to be a lie. i was going complete schizo! I was thumping myself everywhere and anywhere on my person just to knock the GID out of me. If I was not  hitting myself, I was  head butting doors and walls, screaming, crying, over eating and then making myself vomit by jamming two fingers down the back of my throat, until what I had eaten came back up out of my body. A the time I was 5ft 4 1/4 ins and 9 st 2Ibs, and believed I was well over weight.Sounds crazy to everyone else but not to me. My ex-wife would comment how she hated cwtching up to me because my hip bones would stick in to her. That comment did not even register in my head.

Since transitioning and being on hrt, I have shrunk  in height to 5ft 3 ins, foot size down from a 7 to a 6 but, I have gained weight which I am so not happy with. With me, I found that taking female hormones made me feel hungry all of the time. I was snacking in between regular meals and my I put on the pounds with ease. I rose to a just under 11 stones! I was utterly shocked. It took 18 months for my body to settle in to the intake of estrogen before I could start to lose the weight and I now fluctuate between 10st 2Ibs and 10st 7Ibs. I am still not content with my weight nor my overall appearance and it is pretty depressing and I do not know what to do.

But why is my mood down? I am alone and feel lonely. A simple fact – I have far more acquaintances in my life than I have actual friends.

Reading online friends status’  recently has made me feel melancholic. They have written status’ like: had a great night out with …. , enjoyed a good evening with …

Here I am, eager to be out and about and make new friends to hook up to go out wherever and do whatever; shopping, coffee, cinema, girlie chats and that. None of these activities are a part of my social life. In fact; I do not have a social life, not really. I go to monthly meet-ups with groups such as Encompass and Rustic Rainbow, but these are once a month. I can not seem to attract anyone to spend time in my company. This upsets me no end. I have made a few friends from the meet-ups but distance makes it hard to spend time with. It is not like I do not want to be out and about socializing, quite the  opposite. I have had a belly full of being single and alone in my own company.

Today, Saturday 20th April 2013, has been a lovely day with a moderate temperature of 16 °C and what have I done to while away this sunny day? Stayed indoors and done pretty much frack all. I could not see the point of wasting petrol by driving to Brychdyn, Yr Wyddgrug, Wrecsam, Llandudno or wherever when I have not enough money to buy anything because I am currently unemployed. I tried to give my mam £20 for 3 tees I got from New Look at weekend gone but she would not take it from me. Thank you mam for the generosity yet again.  I love my mam to the ends of the earth and back. I am fed up of going everywhere on my own but, if I do not, I won’t go anywhere. I need a change of scenery, a holiday away from here but, what is the point of going away by oneself when one is by oneself all the time? So wha do I do? I stay at home and a vicious circle ensues.

I want to find love and happiness. If they are out there, they are hardly likely (well, not at all), come a knocking on my door and sweeping me up off my feet. I am trying to find love by placing myself on online dating sites. Have I had any luck? Simple answer is NO and not for the lack of trying and various sites. Those that have asked to chat with me and whom I have accepted their chat requests, are only interested in having BDSM sex, a threesome, men. I have said it to myself throughout my life, that I will spend the rest of my life on this planet, which is revolving around our sun at a speed of  67, 000 miles per hour, alone and with an empty heart. That is despite being told time and time again that there is someone out there for me and that there is someone for everyone. If this is true, where is she?

Anyways, I am going to leave this blog here before I shed non-ending tears.

((Cwtch))

-x-Cerys-x-

Up & Down

Been a bit of a funny time since last post. Moods have been up and down and I do not like it when this happens. keeping this one brief.

On Monday 25th March, I turned 41. The plan was  to have gone out with my parents, younger brother, nieces and my auntie and uncle and their two daughters but this did not come off. Why? As can be seen from last post – SNOW!! It did not cease from the Friday through to Tuesday. My auntie’s family live in Sychdyn which is inland and high up compared to Oakenholt / Flint which is just off the coast of the Dee estuary. They had got snowed in completely – 4ft of snow! In the end, mum and dad took me out to the Running Hare in Ewloe Monday evening and my younger brother and his son managed to get there too. It is a very nice restaurant but expensive – £3.50 for a chocolate dessert with vanilla ice cream on the side, never mind the cost of the main at near on a tenner!How many cards did I receive for my birthday? All of a high number of FOUR! This is what it is like to be single, middle-aged and friends that forget ; although many wished me happy birthday or penblwydd hapus in Welsh via Facebook. Thank you to all of them!

Have to hand it to Flintshire county council; they did a grand job at keeping the main roads open throughout this nuts of weather this time of year. Good start to Spring.

This is what is left as of today; Thursday 4th April 2013 in my front garden. Looks all sunny but still very chilly.

Snot snow

Since my birthday, I have spent the majority of time at home on my own with the exception of the odd few hours here and there at my parents and mum coming round to watch certain programmes on SKY tv – The Walking Dead, Dexter, The Following, Primeval:New World. started to go a bit stir crazy to be told so, went to Wrecsam yesterday with mum by train. Kinda wow as we saw the levels of snow between the coast and en route to Wrecsam. It has only just started to thaw up there. I got to see the FA Trophy that Wrecsam FC won the last week and bought myself a pair of walking boots with the birthday money I got off mum and dad.

Wednesday evening was the Encompass GBLT meet up at the Community Café in Connah’s Quay. The discussion was about literature/films of GBLT that influenced you. I never went with anything as I just could not think of anything that did, although certain films and literature have. Having thought about it, I did enjoy Different For Girls a British transsexual story from the 1990’s, Boys Don’t Cry which is an American true transsexual story. Then there is the book on Lili Elbe who was the first male to female trans-woman to undergo gender reassignment. Nicole Kidman is to portray her in a film scheduled to be released possibly in 2014.

Whilst I was there, which was for 2 1/2 hours, I felt out of place and alone in a group of people; a great bunch of people I may add. Dunno why I feel like this but I do so so often. I think it stems from being singled out in childhood and it has remained with me ever since. I guess some things never go away and mental abuse from your peers at school stays with you for a life time. I am trying ever so hard to interact with people and to make new friends and I have made some good new friends which I wish I could see more often. My being has felt like I have been torn open and my heart removed. As if I had lost a love of my life. Hate it when this happens. No matter how hard I try, the mask always falls off and I have to accept that i am alone, lonely, and without love bar from my family. I long to be loved by that someone special.

On another topic; I had my Zoladex injection  this morning. This is an anti-androgen treatment to lower testosterone in the body for male to female transsexuals. It last for 3 months and the nurse alternates which side of the belly button to inject. this is my third time having an injection of  Zoladex; my first being Prostrap which was administered in the arm twice. So, I have been on injected medications for a year now. How the time has flown. This time however, I have come out in a major bruise to the left of my belly button and is a little painful but only slightly.

Bruise Quite nasty looking. Never happened before. The nurse asks that you cough as they inject the implant. See how it goes down over next few days before I decide whether to mention to the GP.

Gonna cut it there as it is late and I am tired and ready for bed.

((Cwtch))

-x-Cerys-x-